


Sometimes it's hard to see what's right infront of you

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Smallville RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-01
Updated: 2011-07-13
Packaged: 2018-09-03 00:20:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8689342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Jared had been in an abusive relationship for years. When it eventually lands him in the hospital,  Jared turns to Jensen, his best friend since college, to help him through it.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: i would like to thank wincest_whore for her wonderful betaing skills :) thanks hun xoxo

Feedback is always appreciated, and sometimes rewarded with imaginary candy :P  


* * *

  
  
  
He walked across the dying yellow grass adorning the space between the concrete pavement and the tall, grey building in front of him. The sharp blades pricking the skin of his bare feet as he made his way across it. The morning dew covered the world around him, sparkling like thousands of tiny shards of glass. Above him, a yellow sun was struggling to be seen through the thick grey clouds, the weak rays, unable to banish the chill that engulfed him. A cold wind buffeted against him relentlessly, as cold as ice on his uncovered arms. The soft skin was marred with ugly bruises, a sickening rainbow of reds, greens, purples and yellows. He shivered as the harsh wind touched him; folding his arms tighter around his chest, where his heart lay torn. His once clear eyes were now coloured red from lack of sleep and tears; tears that he would not let fall, not anymore. He knew from experience, it wouldn’t help. A purple bruise blossomed like a sickly flower on the pale skin of his cheek and he rubbed a hand absently across it, struggling to hold back the memories that flooded into his mind.  
  


_A raised fist, the fingers white with anger, anger I had caused... Backing away from him, pleading for him to forgive me –_ **I'm so sorry, please, no -** _Knowing he never would... The fear that this moment might be my last, not knowing if he would care if it was._ 


  
  
One day it would change, one day he wouldn’t have to be afraid. One day he wouldn’t do anything wrong. He had to learn eventually, didn’t he? He longed for that day, the day where he wouldn’t have to lie.  
  


_Holding my smile on my face, hiding all my pain behind it ... using any excuse_ **– a door... the stairs -** _to hide the truth, but secretly heartbroken that they believed my lies... the shame I feel when I hide my bruises_ 


  
  
But that day wasn’t today. It wasn’t tomorrow either. His feet stopped as he reached the front door. The same front door they had gone through together on that long forgotten first day.  
  


_His happy smile... the love that I felt for him... his rich laugh mixing with mine as we walked through the doorway together... the love that shined in his eyes as he looked up at me... hoping that every day would be as happy as this one._ 


  
  
The stained wood now seemed lifeless and unforgiving under his hand. The patterns, once proudly engraved were now almost gone, weathered down by years of wind and rain. A thin crack marred the smooth wood, its jagged line scrawling erratically across the length of the door. He took a deep breath, feeling the cold morning air burn his throat, and gently pushed open the door. He winced as the creak of unoiled hinges echoed throughout the narrow hallway. He stepped cautiously onto the cold, hard tiles that lined the floor.  
  
His bare feet made no noise as he hurried down the hallway. He slowed to look at the pictures that littered the walls, irregular spots of colour on the otherwise dark hallway. Each frame held the remnant of a faded memory, of a happier time. The people in the photos seemed blissfully ignorant of the world outside of their glass prison. Their happy smiles seemed to mock him as he ran his finger over the cold frames. He turned away and continued down the length of the hallway, into the small kitchen. He winced at the sight that greeted him Draws were emptied on to the floor, their contents scattered around like leaves in a thunderstorm. Broken glass littered the floor, the tiny shards glittering ominously. Large pieces of china that were once plates now lay desolately on the floor. He bit back a sob as the scene brought unwanted memories  
  


_A crash as a plate went flying, signifying so much more than broken crockery... the fear of what was going to happen... knowing I couldn’t stop it, any of it_ 


  
  
His hands shook slightly as he started cleaning, as he knew he was expected to do; hide the evidence, forget it happened. Leaning down, he listened for any sound that would tell him that he was back.  
  



	2. Chapter 1

  
Author's notes: This first chapter is kind of short, hopefully the rest will be longer :)  


* * *

  
  
Jared shifted uncomfortably in his chair, the thin cushioning doing little to disguise the hardness of the seat underneath. The thick air filled his lungs making him want to step outside, away from the smell of cigarettes and stale beer that marked this place as a bar. He couldn’t leave though; he was meeting the group here, having a drink. That’s what normal people did; they had drinks with friends and talked about sports, movies, current events, whatever topic was chosen to fill the silence. He used to enjoy it, used to look forward to these nights, a chance to catch up on your friend’s lives. He still did look forward to them in a way, just for a completely different reason now. They were a chance to get away for an hour or so and pretend he was happy.  
  
They were late, nothing new there but it still made Jared uncomfortable. Marcus, his partner, had instilled in him over and over again that it was rude and completely inexcusable for Jared to be late, no matter what happened, you had to be on time. Jared had learned very early on just how angry Marcus could get if he was late anywhere. He’d also learned very early on what could, and most likely would, happen when Marcus got angry. 

He looked up from the beer he was nursing as the sound of the bar’s door opening distracted him from thoughts best left alone. He smiled as Mike and Tom walked in bickering about something with Jensen trailing behind them, looking vaguely amused at whatever Mike and Tom were talking about. Like always, they headed straight for their regular booth, which Jared was already sitting in. Mike and Tom slid in on one side of Jared; Jensen chose the other side, throwing his arm over the high back of the booth.  
  
“Hey Jay, settle this for us, will ya? When two guys –“  
  
“What the fuck happened to your face?!” Jensen interrupted Mike as he caught sight of the large purple bruise staining the skin of Jared left cheek.  
  
“What?” Jared’s hand unconsciously lifted to brush lightly across the ugly mark. “Oh nothing, just walked ‘round a corner too fast, you know how I am.”  
  
He tried to brush it off as just him being a klutz as usual, but his easy smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. Thankfully neither Mike nor Tom noticed, and just laughed along with him slapping him on the back with easy camaraderie. Jensen didn’t look as convinced, he knew Jared too well, but after a long, narrow-eyed look, he let it go too. The small part of Jared that had been ruthlessly pushed back and ignored for years screamed silently at them, begging them to see through the lie and pick him up on it, to force him to tell them that it hadn’t been a wall, but Marcus’s fist connecting with his face that had left the bruise they could see, and many others they couldn’t. But as always, the larger part of him pushed the voice down, saying that it had been his own fault, he had deserved it.  
  
“Well anyway, give us your opinion on this, Jay. Tommy here thinks that if two guys go shopping together then it’s secretly a sign that they’re in love with each other. Yay or nay?” Mike threw his arm around Tom’s shoulders, pulling him closer, “Personally, I just think they want to share the monotonous task of buying groceries”  
  
Jared quirked an eyebrow at Mike, slipping into the character of ‘Fun Jared’ with a crooked half smile, “That’s a big word there Mike, buy yourself a dictionary?”  
  
“No, he bought one of those “Word of the Day” calendars, and now every second thing is “monotonous” or “derivative”.” Jensen grumbled, the corner of his mouth lifting in amusement as he saw Tom bat Mike’s hand out of his dark hair. Mike’s hands had a tendency to wander when around his boyfriend.  
  
“Enough about my expanding vocabulary,” Mike waved his hands in the direction of the bar, “we need alcohol and then Jared here shall give us his answer.”  
  
Chuckling, Jared got the waitress’s attention and ordered beers for Tom and Mike and a round of shots. He wouldn’t drink any more than his already purchased beer but he knew how much alcohol the rest of them could put away when they put their mind to it.  
  
“So Jay, you still haven’t answered.” Mike grinned at him.  
  
“Well what exactly are they shopping for?” Jared asked, “Because if they’re shopping for food then it could just be convenience, but if they’re shopping for dildos or something, then its pretty clear it’s not convenience.”  
  
Tom laughed at the look the waitress shot Jared as she delivered their order just in time to hear the last comment.  
  
“No shots for you again Jay?” Jensen asked, like he did every time Jared went out with them. “One of these days we’ll get you to have more than one beer.”  
  
 _No you won’t_ , thought Jared. Marcus didn’t like it when he drank.


	3. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: thanks fior all the feedback so far, this is my first fan fiction so its great to hear back about it, hopefully the next chapter is coming up soon  


* * *

  
  
After sending a drunk Tom home in a cab with an even drunker Mike and waving a surprisingly sober Jensen goodbye, Jared’s tentative control on his façade had begun to fade, leaving him with a cold lump of apprehension gripping his heart at the thought of going back to the apartment. Guilt twisted knots into his stomach for even thinking about not wanting to go back home to Marcus. Marcus loved him and put up with a lot from him, Jared knew he had a lot of faults, but still Marcus stayed with him and took care of him when no one else would have. He knew he took advantage of that love; greedily using it up like a glutton, as if what Marcus gave was never enough. Shame spiralled through him at that thought, it wasn’t true, and Marcus gave all his love to Jared and that should be – was more than enough for him. He would go home, and he would show Marcus that his love was more than enough, more than Jared deserved. As he hailed a cab, his thoughts drifted back to when Marcus had first come into his life  
  


\- - -

Jared had been in his fourth year of his Veterinary Course at SFU at the time, out celebrating his 21st birthday with Mike, Tom and Jensen at a club called Trigger, drinking, dancing and just generally letting loose. The four of them had been friends since the first year, when they’d all shared a class together. Marcus had sidled up to him, grabbed his waist and spun him around to dance with him. Jared had been flattered that someone as good looking as Marcus had taken and interest in him and just wrapped his arms around Marcus’s waist too, dancing along to the beat that worked its way through the writhing mass of sweaty bodies on the dance floor. When Marcus had pulled Jared out into the alley behind the club and kissed him hard and demanding, Jared had gone along with it. Jared had gone along with everything that night; when Marcus had taken out Jared’s erect dick and jerked him off before turning him around to face the wall and fucking him. Hell, Jared had even enjoyed it.

The quick fuck against an alley wall had been followed with a real date the next week. Marcus had taken him to a nice restaurant and they had gotten on incredibly well. Marcus, it turned out, had just finished his law degree and had a good job lined up at a one of the better-known law firms in town. They had talked all night about everything they could think of, enjoying each others company and the casual flirting before going back to Marcus’s apartment where they had ended up fucking again. He could never call it “making love” because Marcus didn’t make love; he fucked people. From there, the relationship had evolved surprisingly quickly. Jared had been happy then, not noticing, or making excuses for the irregularities in Marcus’s behaviour, the sudden mood swings, the possessiveness, the aggression directed at Jared over seemingly small things, like the fact that Jared was taller than him. Jared couldn’t change that, and he didn’t see why it had to be an issue.

The first time Marcus had hurt him they had been having a fight about Jared going out to Trigger with Jensen. It had been just a way to blow off steam after their exams, celebrating their freedom for the next three months. Jared had invited Marcus, but he had declined, saying he had to work late that night. Apparently he had expected Jared to stay home as well and when Jared had stumbled back to their apartment at two o’clock in the morning tipsy and tired from a good night out, he had found a Marcus standing in the hallway waiting for him. The moment he closed the door behind him, Marcus had started screaming at him, accusing Jared of deserting him and not loving him, even going so far as accusing him of cheating on him. Jared, completely taken aback by this sudden outburst had gone immediately on the defensive and fought back. Their argument had ended abruptly when Marcus had swung his fist at Jared, hitting him in the jaw. He stalked away and shut the bedroom door leaving a stunned, hurt Jared to sleep on the couch. That had been the first time.

\- - -

That had been five years ago. Marcus’s violence had worsened since then, his triggers becoming more and more frequent, until he left Jared in a constant state of fear and desperate for any sliver of affection he chose to throw his way. As Jared stood at the door to their apartment, his hand started to shake, he didn’t know what was inside, what mood Marcus was in tonight. He couldn’t think of anything he might have done that might anger him, but that didn’t mean anything. Marcus had told him many times how oblivious he was and how stupid he could be a lot of the time. He supposed it was true, Marcus wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t. With a deep breath, he turned his key in the lock and opened the door wincing as the sound it made echoed through the dark hallway. Taking his shoes off at the door, like Marcus had told him to many times, he walked into the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. It was still relatively early, only about ten o’clock, and Marcus was most likely in his study reading through some complicated documents Jared would never understand.

Filling up a glass at the sink he leaned against the counter and thought back on the night. He’d actually had fun, it was nice to hear about someone else’s life rather than think about his own. Mike and Tom seemed happy together and Jensen was… well, he was Jensen; which was to say he was single, but happy that way. Jensen had been Jared’s best friend since Jared had sat down next to him in the popular café near the campus and started rambling about how he was sick of his roommate locking him out of his dorm so he could have sex. A smile ghosted over Jared’s face as he remembered Jensen’s expression shifting from surprised to amused, joining in with the complete stranger next to him in the conversation about bad roommates. They hadn’t even told each other their names until the end of the conversation, when both of them had to leave to go to their next class. He remembered throwing back his head and laughing as they realised they were headed to the same class. He used to laugh back then, he used to smile too, just because he was happy, not because it was expected of him.

“Jared.” A voice behind him said, smooth as silk.

Jared jumped at the unexpected sound, his glass sliding out of his hand and hitting the floor with a tinkling crash that sounded a lot louder to Jared than it probably had been. Jared flinched as the icy disapproval of Marcus’s gaze swept over him, taking in everything from the stain on his thigh where Mike had spilled his beer on him, to the crumpled edge of Jared’s shirt which he had been twisting his fingers in, a habit that Marcus had yet to “break him of”.

“Well?” A single, styled eyebrow rose as thin lips became thinner with annoyance, “Aren’t you going to clean it up?”

Jared dropped to his knees immediately and picking up the shards of glass, so blind with relief that he didn’t notice the sparks of pain as the glass cut into the soft skin on his hands.

“Not like that, you idiot, with a broom. Honesty, it’s a wonder you can get yourself out of bed in the morning.” He followed as Jared hung his head in shame and went to get the broom out of the closet. “But I shouldn’t be surprised I suppose, just another example of how you’re completely fucking useless without me”

Jared flinched at the words, his heart beating faster in a panic as the words sunk in, this was often how it started; Marcus proving that Jared was unable to do anything right, but trying his best to “teach” him the right way to do things.

“Where were you tonight?” The softy-spoken question completely stopped Jared’s heartbeat, nothing he could say from here on would stop anything from happening, he knew from experience. But if he didn’t answer, Marcus would get angry, and that was even worse, it would start sooner. Logically, Jared knew he could fight back and probably win, but he had never hit another person before, and he wasn’t about to start with the man he loved.

“I was at the bar with the guys. I told you about it…” Jared’s voice trailing off as he met Marcus’s eyes and saw the hate and jealousy directed at him. No that couldn’t be right, Marcus could never hate him, he loved him, had for years.

“No you didn’t, I would have remembered. You didn’t ask me if I wanted to go either. Maybe I wanted to go out tonight Jared, maybe I wanted to have fun with other people tonight, because god knows I don’t have fun with you.”

“I didn’t think –“ Jared cowered away from the anger that twisted Marcus’s attractive features into something ugly and spiteful.

“No Jared, you didn’t think. You never think. And that’s what the problem is here.” He grabbed a handful of Jared’s hair ignoring the cry of pain it

elicited and threw Jared onto the floor.  
  
Jared had already been kneeling so it wasn’t that far to fall, but there was still glass on the floor, and it hurt as the pieces worked their way under his skin. Jared curled into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible for when the kicking started. Sure enough, the first kick came, landing in his stomach and leaving him gasping for breath; tears of pain and fear ran down his face, the salt stinging the cuts left by the glass. All he could do was wait for it to be over and pray that he would still be alive afterwards. Time lost meaning as the pain thundered through him, each kick harder than the last. The last kick was the worst though; it was aimed high and with more force than he’s felt before. A sickening crack coupled with a searing pain told Jared that something was wrong. He couldn’t breathe, his lungs wouldn’t work properly and he couldn’t think clearly, something was very wrong. He heard Marcus calling his name before the pain and lack of oxygen finally took him into welcome darkness.  
  



	4. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: Thanks for all your feedback so far, hope you're liking it so far. the next chapter might take a little longer to post, but it'll come eventually :P  


* * *

  
  
The smell was the first thing Jared was aware of, a mixture of antiseptic and cleaning products that reminded him of the time he’d broken his arm when he was eight. His mother had rushed him to the hospital yelling at him about not listening to her when she’d said not to climb the tree in their backyard. Hospital, was that where he was? He wanted to open his eyes and find out what that beeping noise was but they were so heavy, and he was so tired, he just wanted to go back to sleep. Something warm was around his hand and he wondered vaguely what it was, it was soft and strangely comforting. His fingers twitched, trying to hold it a little tighter.  
  
“Jared?” That was his name, why was someone saying his name? He liked their voice though, it was deep and gentle and so very familiar.  
  
Struggling with his heavy eyelids he managed to open his eyes to find the source of the familiar voice. Jensen, the voice was Jensen, and he was here with Jared. Not that Jared really knew where “here” was. He smiled widely at Jensen, he was happy to see him. The relieved look on Jensen’s face confused him though, to be relieved you had to be worried first, and why would Jensen be worried?  
  
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Jared asked, his voice little more than a croak. He gratefully took the plastic cup Jensen gave him, savouring the soothing coolness on his dry throat as he drank the water inside.  
  
“You don’t remember?” Jensen’s brow creased making Jared want to run his fingers over it and smooth it out again. Wow, okay, where did that thought come from? They must have him on some kind of pain medication; he always got a little loopy on drugs.  
  
“Remember what– ” The memories came racing back, and brought along with it, the sharp pain in his side as Jared tried to sit up. He tried to smile gratefully at Jensen as he adjusted the bed for him into a more comfortable position but Jared suspected it turned out as more of a grimace.  
  
“Easy, easy. Jared, what happened? I mean one moment I'm with a client, the next thing I know I'm getting a call from a nurse saying you’re in the hospital unconscious and I'm listed under your “Emergency Contact” list. Scared the crap out of me man“ Jensen’s voice softened on the last sentence.  
  
Guilt wormed its way through Jared’s stomach, “I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry.”  
  
“You’re my best friend, I'm meant to worry about you. But seriously, what happened?”  
  
Jared looked down at the rough blanket covering him and started picking at the threads, “It’s all kinda fuzzy.”  
  
Jensen’s eyes narrowed, “Bullshit Jared, your heart rate sky rocketed and you’ve still got a death grip on my hand.” Jared looked in surprise at their joined hands; he hadn’t noticed he was still holding it. He loosened his fingers and let go, missing the warmth as he pulled away. “You remember perfectly, and I'm not leaving your side until you tell me everything.”  
  
He couldn’t tell him, he couldn’t say anything. Jensen was too important to him, he didn’t know what he’d do if Jensen walked away, and he would walk away if he ever found out how much of a fuck up Jared really was. He didn’t want to see the disgust that would be in his eyes if he ever found out how useless and pathetic Jared was.  
  
“Where’s Marcus?” Jared asked. He knew he was stalling but he couldn’t help it. He felt a little guilty for not asking sooner but thinking back, he had kind of just expected Marcus to be here like Jared would have been for him.  
  
“He had to go into work or something; mentioned a client that he was meeting.” Jensen’s full lips thinned slightly, showing his opinion of Marcus’s meeting, “I wasn’t really paying attention to be honest, I was more concerned about you.”  
  
Relief slowed the beeping from the heart monitor, but it brought along with it the all too familiar feeling of guilt. He shifted nervously on the hard mattress underneath him biting back a sound of pain as he jolted his ribs.  
  
“Jay, stop moving, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Jensen rested his hand on Jared’s shoulder, the warmth seeping through the thin hospital gown he had just realised he was wearing. How had he not noticed that before? Jared decided it wasn’t important when a man in a white coat walked in and introduced himself as Dr. Morgan. He was a pleasant looking man, with smile lines leading from his warm brown eyes. His calm way of speaking put Jared at ease and helped him to relax as much as he could around someone who would soon be asking questions Jared couldn’t answer.  
  
“Are you Marcus?” He asked Jensen, consulting the chart at the end of Jared’s bed for the name.  
  
“No, Marcus had to go into work. I’m Jensen, his friend.”  
  
“I’m going to need Jared’s permission before I can discuss his injuries with another person in the room.” He turned to Jared, waiting for a response.  
  
“No, no Jensen can stay.” Jared would most likely regret it later when the questions started, but Jared really didn’t want to be alone right now. He still wasn’t too clear on everything that had happened and the pain medication was still very much making itself known by fogging up his brain.  
  
“Okay. Well there is two ways we can do this, I can give you details first and ask my questions later, or we can do questions first then details. Which way would you prefer?”  
  
“Details first, if … if that’s alright with you?” The questions were still going to come but maybe he could give himself some time to think of answers.  
  
“Well, you sustained a significant fracture to your 7th rib, how that happened though, we’ll get to later on.” Jared knew what he was getting at; he looked down at the blanket again trying to hide the flush he could feel rising to his face. “Unfortunately a piece of the bone punctured your lung resulting in a condition called Pneumothorax.” Jared nodded, he knew what that was, he’d seen it in the animals he worked with at the clinic, he also knew how lucky he was that it hadn’t punctured his heart instead. “You were lucky though and it was only a mild case, we were able to drain the air pocket without the use of a chest tube, and your rib fracture should heal fine on its’ own. I'm going to write out a prescription for a painkiller, but other than that you shouldn’t need anything other than time and plenty of rest. You’re going to have a limited range of movement until the fracture heals more but you should regain full function afterwards. We’re still going to keep you in for another 24 hours to monitor you but you should be free to go after that.” He paused, giving Jensen or Jared a chance to ask any questions they might have. When they remained silent, he continued on, “Now that the details part of my visit is over, it’s time for the questions.”  
  
Jared swallowed the lump of fear in his throat that threatened to choke him, he had known this was coming, he just wished he’d had more time to think things through and come up with suitable answers.  
  
“How much of what happened do you remember?” Dr. Morgan asked.  
  
“Bits and pieces.” Jared replied, purposely avoiding looking at Jensen.  
  
“And do these “bits and pieces” have any connection to the other bruises we found, more specifically the ones that are at least a week old? Or what about the half healed cuts? ”  
  
“What?!” Jensen demanded, his hand on Jared’s shoulder tightened protectively as Jared flinched at the blatant honesty of the question, “What bruises, what cuts? What is going on?!”  
  
“I can’t answer that question, Jensen, that’s up to Jared.” He replaced the chart into the plastic holder at the end of the bed, “I think you two need some time to talk, but if you need me, just ask a nurse to page me.”  
  
Jared watched as he left, shutting the door quietly behind him. Jared was tempted to call him back, just to avoid what was about to come but he didn’t, it was better to just get it over and done with.  
  
“Jay? What is he talking about?” Jensen gestured to the closed door, “Bruises? Cuts?”  
  
Shame and guilt burned through him at the thought of blatantly lying to Jensen, but there was no other choice, the truth was worse.  
  
 _ **The truth?**_ A small voice scoffed inside Jared, taking advantage of his weakened drug addled state to make itself known, _**the truth is that your boyfriend, who supposedly loves you, put you in the hospital.**_ Marcus had never gone that far before, Jared hadn’t thought him capable of it. That scared him more than anything, if he was capable of this, what else was he capable of?  
  
“He’s exaggerating, it’s just one or two, you how I am, always falling over things.” The words tasted sour in his mouth, the convincing smile that usually worked in these situations wouldn’t form, wouldn’t cooperate.  
  
“No Jay, I'm not buying it this time.” Jensen crossed his arms, staring straight at Jared, taking in every flicker of emotion he accidentally let show. Jared felt exposed, stripped bare and put on show for people to stare at and judge. Jensen would guess the truth and he would hate him for it, be disgusted by it and by him. “I’ve heard all of your excuses, falling over, walking into things, for years, but this time, it can’t be explained away as an accident. You didn’t fall over and break your rib on an empty kitchen floor, so what the fuck happened?”  
  
He couldn’t do this anymore; he couldn’t put up this façade for people and just pretend everything was fine. He was so tired, tired of hiding, tired of being afraid, of living out his life waiting for the next time Marcus would get angry, or the next time he did something wrong. He could feel the mask he had worn for years starting to crumble, the tears prickling his eyes. He couldn’t look up at Jensen, couldn’t let him see him break. Jensen must have seen though, must have known what Jared was feeling because the next thing he knew, Jensen’s strong arms were around him, holding him, letting him cry into his shoulder. Each sob that forced its way out of him hurt his ribs but he didn’t care, he couldn’t stop now that he had let it out. He put his arms around Jensen, taking comfort from the familiar scent of his cologne and held on until he could feel himself stop shaking. He dropped his arms and averted his face, embarrassed that he hadn’t been strong enough to wait until he’d been alone to breakdown.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jared whispered, not able to look at Jensen, instead focussing on the threads again. He could feel his eyelids start to close.  
  
“It was Marcus wasn’t it? Every time?” Jensen asked gently, his hand finding Jared’s again as he saw his friend nod, his eyes closing and his breath slowing down as the stress and medication finally caught up with him. He brushed the long brown hair from Jared’s face and pushed down the urge to kill Marcus for what he had done to his Jay. Now wasn’t the time, Jay needed him  
  



	5. Chapter 4

  
Author's notes: Jensen's POV  


* * *

  
  
Jensen paced the small expanse of empty floor available to him in the hospital room, making sure to keep quiet so as not to wake Jared. His head was spinning with anger and guilt; how had he not seen any of this happening to Jared? They had been each other’s best friends for years, spent countless hours together and he didn’t find out until Jared had ended up in the damn hospital. Looking back now, the signs had all been there; he’d just never thought to look. When he’d first met Jay he’d been so full of life, all long limbs and dimples. His laugh could fill a room and make everyone smile at the same time. Everyone had said they’d made a strange couple; Jared, friends with everyone and a complete goofball coupled with Jensen, who was a self-proclaimed cynic and known for his always readily available sarcasm. But they’d worked well together, complementing each other’s personality until they’d become inseparable. He should have seen the change in Jay, known something was wrong. He should have known there was a reason Jay had gone from being confident and sure of himself to second-guessing every action he made. Hell, he should have seen the damn bruises and thought something was up.  
  
He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, he didn’t know where to go from here, what he would do first. It was obvious that he had to get Jared away from Marcus, but would Jay want to go? He couldn’t see why he would want to stay but he’d stayed for this long so who knew what was going on. He had to call Mike and Tom, but he didn’t know what to tell them. He’d managed to convince them not to come to the hospital, not wanting to overwhelm Jared when he woke up but they would want to know that Jared was awake and alright.  
  
But was he really? Seeing Jared crumble in front of him had broken Jensen’s heart. No one should ever be allowed to make Jared look so heartbroken. He was in uncharted waters here, he fiercely wanted to protect Jared, but he couldn’t take away the damage that had already been done. He couldn’t take back the pain Jared had gone through. All he could do was be there for Jay and hope that it was enough. First things first though, he had to call the others. With a look back at Jared to make sure he was still sound asleep, he stepped into the hallway to make the call.  
  
“Jensen?” Tom answered on the first ring, knowing Tom he’d probably been sitting by the phone waiting for Jensen to call with an update. “How is he?”  
  
“He woke up a while ago, turns out he has a fractured rib that punctured his lung, but apparently both have no lasting damage, he’d just going to be held up in bed for a while. He’s back asleep now” Jensen knew he didn’t sound like himself, but he just hoped Tom chalked it up to the stress of seeing Jared in the hospital. “Listen, pass it on to Mike will you? I have to go, I don’t want him to wake up without me there.”  
  
“Yeah course, but… are you sure that’s everything?”  
  
Cursing Tom silently for choosing this moment to be perceptive, Jensen tried to sound reassuring, “For now, yeah it is.” He flipped his phone shut before Tom had the chance to ask more questions Jensen didn’t want to answer before he spoke to Jared.  
  
The first thing Jensen had to do was find out what he could to do to help Jared. He stopped a passing nurse and asked her to page Dr. Morgan. He knew it would probably be easier if he went to wherever the doctor was, but it felt wrong to leave Jared alone in the room, even though he was asleep and wouldn’t know that Jensen was gone. After about ten minutes of waiting, he saw Dr. Morgan appear from around the corner and make a beeline for Jensen.  
  
One look at Jensen’s expression and he said, “He told you then?”

“Not in so many words, but yeah he did.”

The older man shook his head sadly, “It really does break my heart to see it. You can’t always get them to admit it to themselves though, let alone tell anyone else.”  
  
“What do I do now though?” He really hoped Dr. Morgan had answers, he didn’t know whom else to ask, “How do I help him?”  
  
“A lot of it is going to be up to him, getting his self esteem back up, going out with friends again, things like that. The first thing you can do is help him get out the situation. A lot of the time, as long as they stay out, that sets the ball rolling.”  
  
Jensen nodded, “Yeah, I can do that, I want to be there for him. It just… I feel like I let him down, I didn’t see it and I let him get hurt. If I’d just seen it before…”  
  
“Don’t blame yourself for this, son.” He rested a comforting hand briefly on Jensen’s shoulder before continuing, “Jared was obviously good at hiding it, and even if you had noticed, you probably couldn’t have done anything until Jared was ready to see it too.”  
  
Despite the reassuring words, the guilt in Jensen refused to stop twisting in his stomach. He should have at least noticed something, anything.  
  
“Well at least I know now, and now I can do something about it.” And he would. If Jared was willing, he would move in with Jensen and they’d work through everything together, like they always had. With a shaky smile, he thanked Dr. Morgan and copied down some contact numbers for people who would be able to give him some more information if he felt he needed it.  
  
As Jensen walked back into the room, his eyes immediately fell on Jared’s still sleeping form. He looked so peaceful, so much younger without the mask he’d worn for so long. Physically, he hadn’t changed much since the first day in the coffee shop, he had filled out a little more with muscle and grown his hair longer but you could still see that enthusiastic kid who had sat down next to him in the coffee house and without warning started complaining about some roommate of his. Jensen would give anything for Jared to be that carefree again, to hear him laugh at some stupid joke someone had just said. No matter how long it took, Jensen would make him laugh again, make him smile.  
  



	6. Chapter 5

  
Author's notes: Jared's POV  


* * *

  
  
_It was cold in this place, always so cold. Goosebumps tingled the skin of his bare arms as he walked towards the door. He didn’t like it here, it wasn’t safe; bad things happened here. He wanted to leave, walk back to where he had come from, but it was too late now. Without warning the door swung open, revealing a sickening tableau. A man was curled up on the floor, cowering away from the man standing over him, the pain and fear was so clear on his face, tears frozen in time shone on his cheeks The standing man had his foot raised, halfway off the ground in a vicious kick aimed at the man below. As Jared stepped into the room, the tableau came to life. Jared wanted to scream for the man to stop, but his voice stuck in his throat choking him. Why was he doing this, couldn’t he see he was hurting the other man? Pained cries rose from the man on the floor with each kick, but Jared couldn’t move to help him, he couldn’t do anything except watch in horror as the man on the floor stopped moving._  
  
Jared awoke with a start, the nightmare still fresh in his mind, disorientating him. It took him a minute to remember why he was in a bed that was too small for him, instead of his bed at home, or at least his side of the bed. Marcus didn’t like it when Jared spread out while sleeping. Marcus. Marcus had – Jared stopped that thought before it could fully form. He didn’t want to think about that, didn’t want to relive the memories. The sunlight filtering through the semi closed blinds told him it was still sometime during the day. He felt restless, the drowsiness from the pain medication was wearing off and he had never been particularly good at sitting still. Besides, he really needed to pee.  
  
His lips twitched in amusement as he caught sight of Jensen, fast asleep in the chair by the bed. He was sprawled in the hard plastic chair; his head was tipped forward resting on his chest and his arms were hanging loosely in his lap. Jared was thankful that he hadn’t left yet. Any final moments he could have with Jensen before he walked out of Jared’s life forever he would always hold on to, always remember. He knew Jensen would leave, and Jared wouldn’t try to stop him, wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to be around someone as pathetic as Jared.  
  
He swung his legs over the side of the bed, wincing as the movement jolted his ribs, and pushed himself up until he was standing. His legs felt weak and unstable as Jared took a hesitant step in the direction of the bathroom, but he really needed to pee, and there was no way he was going to wake up Jensen and ask him to help. He seemed to be going fine until about half way when his legs buckled, making him drop like a stone. He cried out in pain as he swung out his arms to catch himself on a nearby cabinet, the movement pulling on his side.  
  
“Wha- Jared?” Damn, he’d woken up Jensen. He felt Jensen’s hands helping him pull himself up so he was standing again.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Jared mumbled, embarrassment making him blush.  
  
“No it’s fine; I shouldn’t have fallen asleep anyway.” Jensen rubbed a hand over his face, looking adorably rumpled. “What were you trying to do?”  
  
“Well I _was_ trying to walk to the bathroom, but apparently my legs had other ideas.” He knew he was pouting like a child, but he couldn’t help it; he was frustrated that his own legs wouldn’t work for him.  
  
Jensen just snorted his amusement and kept close to Jared for the remaining two feet of the walk to the bathroom in case Jared fell again. Conscious of Jensen waiting outside the door, Jared finished up as quickly as he could while trying not to look at the large mirror situated on the wall over the sink. He didn’t really like mirrors, or more specifically, he didn’t like what he saw in them. Marcus had always said there wasn’t much of anything worth looking at, and after a while, Jared had started to believe it was true.  
  
When Jared had lowered himself back in the bed, the silence hung thick in the air, the tension rising until Jared sneaked a glance at Jensen. He was embarrassed to find Jensen staring at Jared’s shoulder where the sleeve of his gown had ridden up, his expression an unreadable mix of emotions. Jared cleared his throat awkwardly and pulled the sleeve back down once again hiding the purple finger-like bruises Marcus had left three days ago.  
  
“You know we’re going to have to talk about this, don’t you?” Jensen’s voice was soft but to Jared, it was as loud as if he’d shouted.  
  
“Yeah, I know.” Jared couldn’t make himself look at Jensen. Shame burned through him, hot and twisted; when he thought about how much Jensen knew.  
  
“Jared.” He reached out to place a hand on Jared’s arm, pulling back when he saw him flinch. “I need to know where you want to go from here.”  
  
“Go?” Jared hadn’t thought there was anywhere to go, except back to Marcus. He ignored the flicker of fear that curled inside him when he thought about going back to the apartment. He’d never considered leaving before, never allowed himself that luxury, terrified that Marcus would see through him and think of it as a betrayal.  
  
“Jay, you can’t go back to Marcus. Look at what he did to you,\’ he could have killed you. You stay with him Jay, and he probably will.”  
  
Deep down, Jared knew it was true; him lying in a hospital bed was proof enough of what Marcus was capable of, but it wasn’t like he had many other options.  
  
“What else am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?” Jared shot back at Jensen, the anger in his voice wasn’t real, but at least it was better than desperation.  
  
“Move in with me.” He said it so simply, as if it was the obvious solution. The idea was tempting but…  
  
“I’m not going to be your charity case Jensen.”  
  
“Don’t be ridiculous Jay; you wouldn’t be a charity case. You would be a guy who just happens to be living with his friend. We’re going to work through this together Jay, I promise you that.” He sighed, leaning back into the plastic chair, “Look, at least think about it, okay?”  
  
Jared was incredibly flattered that Jensen would open his home to him. Maybe, just maybe, that meant Jensen wasn’t going to leave straight away, maybe he’d have more time with him. He was so tempted to take him up on his incredibly generous offer. Jared really didn’t want to be an imposition to his friend but he knew he couldn’t stay with Marcus. The thought of staying by himself in a hotel scared him, he would most likely end up going straight back. He sincerely hoped he wasn’t going to regret this decision.  
  
“Fine, but I’m paying you rent.” His heart warmed as he saw Jensen’s face light up, surely any decision that could make Jensen smile like that couldn’t be too bad, right? “Thank you Jen, really, it means a lot to me.”  
  
“You’re my best friend Jay, I would do anything for you, you know that.”  
  
A knock on the door made them both turn to find Marcus standing there, still dressed in the suit he had obviously worn to his meeting. Fear trickled down Jared’s spine, he could only hope against hope that Marcus hadn’t heard their conversation, if he had, Jared didn’t even think having Jensen in the room could stop him. Marcus’s pleasant expression gave no clues as to what he had heard.  
  
“Jared. How are you feeling?” His voice washed over Jared, making him shudder and leaving him feeling dirty. He didn’t know if he could deal with Marcus right now, he still felt exposed from the conversation with Jensen; thankfully Jensen took over at that point, saving Jared from having to answer.  
  
“Get. Out.” Jensen’s expression was murderous, he had moved so he was in between Marcus and Jared; the message was clear. Marcus would have to get through Jensen first if he wanted to get to Jared.  
  
“Excuse me?” Marcus’s eyes widened almost comically in disbelief.  
  
“You heard me.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure I have more right to be here than you do, Jensen.” He spat out Jensen’s name like it left a bad taste in his mouth, “Jared is my partner after all, and you’re just some guy he happens to know.”  
  
“I’m only going to say this one more time, Marcus. Get the fuck out of this room and away from Jared. Right now.” Jensen took a step closer towards Marcus, the challenge clear in his posture.  
  
Jared saw Marcus’s eye’s narrow and his hands tighten into fists in a way that was sickeningly familiar. From the ice-cold edge to his voice, Jared knew Jensen had seen it too.  
  
“Careful Marcus, I hit back.”  
  



	7. Chapter 6

  
  
“Careful Marcus, I hit back.”  
  
Jared tensed, ready to jump up and stand in front of Jensen if Marcus so much as took a step, fractured rib or no fractured rib, there was absolutely no way he was letting Marcus touch Jensen. Jensen’s words hung in the air as the silence lengthened, stretching on as the two men tried to stare each other down, both attempting to outlast the other and neither willing to back down and let the other man claim victory to their battle of wills. Jared allowed himself to relax slightly when Marcus’s expression smoothed out into the carefully neutral mask he often wore when in a crowd of people he considered beneath him.  
  
“I really have no idea what you are referring to Jensen. Has Jared here been talking about things he doesn’t understand again? He has a rather unfortunate habit of not knowing when to keep his mouth shut.” He kept his tone even but the implication was clear; when Jared got home, he would be taught to keep his mouth shut. But this time, Jared wasn’t going to run back to him, he wasn’t going to lie down and just take Marcus’s “lessons” anymore. Not now that he had Jensen.  
  
Marcus couldn’t be allowed to know anything until Jared was already far enough away that Marcus couldn’t force him to stay. Jared had to get Marcus to leave, to go back to the apartment thinking Jared was still coming back to him, and that meant playing the part that was expected of him. Jared let a flicker of fear show in his eyes, knowing Marcus would be looking for a sign that Jared was still under his control. He felt bile rise in his throat as Marcus’s gaze took on a predatory gleam, letting Jared know his place in the only way he could in front of Jensen.  
  
“Listen you fucker – “  
  
“Jen, enough!” Jared cut Jensen off before the tirade of yelling could start. Yelling would only make Marcus feel like he had to prove that he was in control of this situation. Jared didn’t know how much longer he could deal with Marcus’s veiled threats before he wouldn’t be able to resist the impulse to give in and go back with Marcus. He needed Marcus to leave and the only way he knew how to achieve that without a confrontation he wasn’t ready for was to make Marcus believe it would hurt Jared to leave him at the hospital. He could do this; he could lie to Marcus, convince him that Jared wanted Marcus to stay here with him. Jared had been lying to everyone for so long now it seemed almost like second nature. Turning slightly so he was looking straight at Marcus, he smiled sweetly at him, “How was your meeting?”  
  
Ignoring the growl Jensen aimed at him as he stepped around the man, Marcus walked up to Jared’s side and placed a possessive hand on his shoulder. He tightened his fingers until they were digging into the soft skin of Jared’s shoulder. Jensen saw Jared wince at the pain and moved to pull Marcus away from him, stopping when Jared shook his head almost imperceptibly. Silently he tried to beg with Jensen to stay where he was, not to interfere. He knew from Jensen’s shocked expression that he had understood him, but Jared didn’t know how long the man would be able to restrain himself from giving Marcus a black eye.  
  
“It was incredibly frustrating to be honest. We didn’t finish everything we needed to and now we have to meet again tomorrow.” Marcus seemed oblivious to the silent communication between the two friends; in fact he looked a little bored, checking his watch as if this interaction was taking up too much of his time.  
  
“Really?” Jared creased his brow in concern, “You’ll still be able to stay a bit longer though won’t you?” Injecting just the right amount of hope in his voice, Jared looked up at Marcus, eyes pleading. He knew Marcus wouldn’t be able to resist denying him something he thought Jared wanted this badly.  
  
“I’m sorry, I just don’t have the time right now, it’s a very important case I’m on.”  
  
Jared dropped his gaze, trying his best to look crestfallen, “You’re right, I’m sorry, it was selfish of me to ask.”  
  
Marcus studied his face for a long moment, searching for any hint that Jared was trying to get rid of him.  
  
“I will see you tomorrow, Jared.” He eventually said, apparently satisfied that Jared was suitably disappointed. Jared tried not to shudder with revulsion as Marcus leaned down to kiss him goodbye.  
  
As the door closed behind Marcus’s exiting form, Jared let out a sigh of relief; the adrenalin that had been pumping through his veins was gone, leaving him feeling weak. The panic he had managed to keep at bay pushed forward and settled in Jared’s chest, constricting his lungs.  
  
“That was all an act right? Please tell me it was an act Jay; that you’re not really going back to that sorry excuse for a human being.” Jensen sounded angry, but Jared could hear the genuine concern in his voice. “Shit, Jay, you’re shaking!! Hey, hey Jay, you need to breathe. Just concentrate on your breathing for me. Come on, in, out, in out.”  
  
Once Jared got his breathing back under control, he was able to speak again, “I – Sorry… Yeah it was an act. I had to get him to leave, I just – I couldn’t –“  
  
“Hey, Jay, it’s alright, I get it. I'm just glad you’re not really going back” Jensen’s voice was gentle and filled with relief. He stroked his fingers through Jared’s long brown hair like he used to when they were back in college. Just like when they were back in college, it immediately calmed him down, steadying his breathing and slowing down his heart rate. Tomorrow he would have to face the apartment when he went and packed up the last five years of his life into boxes, but right now he felt safe with Jensen standing next to him, and that was something he hadn’t felt in a very long time.


	8. Chapter 7

  
Author's notes: sorry this chapter took so long :) hopefully the next chapter will be along a lot quicker

the first part is Jensen's POV  


* * *

  
  
Coffee, in Jensen’s opinion, was better than sex. Well almost. Okay, well maybe not, but it was still pretty damn awesome. He hadn’t had time for his usual three cups that morning before he’d had to leave to pick up Jared from the hospital and the lack of caffeine was making him a little jittery. He opened the door to find Jared sitting cross-legged on the bed, already dressed and ready to go. He grinned shyly at Jensen and held out a large, steaming take away cup.  
  
“Black, two sugars, right?”  
  
“For me?” Good God, he could kiss the man. In a purely platonic, thankful for caffeine kind of way, of course. “Thanks Jay, you really didn’t have to.”  
  
“It was the best way I could think of to say thank you at short notice. It was a toss-up between the coffee or a giant pink teddy bear they had in the gift shop.”  
  
“Well I’m glad you restrained yourself on the teddy bear.” Jensen deadpanned, taking large gulps of the coffee, almost groaning as the hot liquid slid down his throat, warming him from the inside out. “But you really don’t have to thank me for anything.”  
  
“I don’t think people are meant to enjoy their coffee quite that much, Jen.” Jared laughed at him, ignoring the last comment. Despite the joking tone, Jensen could see Jared’s fingers twisting in the thin material of his shirt, a sure sign that the man was nervous.  
  
“So, plans for today?” They would eventually have to go collect Jared’s belongings from his apartment, but Jensen wouldn’t press it if Jared wanted to wait a few days.  
  
“Well… “ Jared’s smile faltered, “I know I have to go back to the apartment sometime, all my things are there. I really want to get it over and done with, but right now, lifting a cup of coffee is pretty much my limit.”  
  
“Won’t Marcus be there today? It is a Sunday.”  
  
Jared shook his head, “No, he always goes in for a few hours Sunday morning.” The sardonic twist to Jared’s lips hinted that there was a less than pleasant memory behind this tradition, but if Jared didn’t want to talk about it, then Jensen wasn’t going to push. At least not right now.  
  
“All right, well if we call Tom and Mike we should be able to get everything more quickly.” Jensen watched Jared’s expression closely; they hadn’t talked about what to say to Mike and Tom yet. Something that looked very similar to shame flashed in Jared’s eyes before Jared could hide back behind his walls.  
  
“I suppose I have to tell them sometime.” His voice was thick with resignation, his fingers twisting faster in his t-shirt.  
  
Jensen placed a hand over his, gently stopping the movement of Jared’s fingers before he damaged the shirt. “If it’s too soon, we could always make up a story or something.” He didn’t like the idea of lying to his friends, but this had to be on Jared’s terms, had to be Jared’s choice.  
  
“No,” Jared shook his head, his lips forming a stubborn line as if Jensen would try and talk him out of this, “If I am going to do this, then I need to do it right. And that means I have to stop…” Jared paused, as if trying to choose the right word, "hiding.”  
  
Jensen realised he was still holding Jared’s fingers and he intertwined his with them, trying to provide some small amount of support to his friend. “I’ll call them and ask them to meet us here.” He waited for Jared to nod his agreement to the plan and pulled out his phone, hitting the third number in his speed dial; after his parent’s number and Jared’s.  
  
“Someone better be dying.” Mike’s grumbled in place of a greeting as he answered the call  
  
“Well good morning to you too, Mike”  
  
“Jensen? Is something wrong? Did something happen to Jared?”  
  
“No, no, nothing like that. I just wanted to know if you and your better half had any plans today? I need you to help move some stuff.”  
  
There was a pause; “You’re shitting with me right now, aren’t you? Tell me you didn’t call at seven fucking thirty in the morning on a fucking Sunday just to ask if we had plans. Oh and just so you know, Tommy’s giving you the finger for that “better half” comment.”  
  
“No he isn’t; he's too polite for that.”  
  
“Okay fine, maybe I’m doing it for him. The end result is still the same.”  
  
“Just get your ass over here.” Jensen chuckled, not bothering to tell them that “here” was the hospital; they would know. He flipped his phone closed when he started hearing some rather awkward noises coming from the other end  
  


\- - - 

By the time Mike’s dark blue Holden pulled up to the hospital, Jared and Jensen were already out front waiting for them. Jared was sitting on a conveniently located wheelchair some nurse had obviously forgotten about and was pushing himself around in small circles with his feet. Jensen smiled at the childish enjoyment he could see on Jared’s face, he knew under normal circumstances Jared would be pushing himself around and trying to perform any number of tricks, but lacking the full use of his arms, he seemed content to steer himself around with his feet.

“Right, now what was so important that you had to call us at the ass crack of dawn?” Mike demanded sullenly, glaring at Jensen as if he had personally wronged him, which in Mike’s mind, he probably had. The man was touchy about his sleep.

Tom, ignoring his grumpy boyfriend, smiled at Jared, “Hey Jared, how are you feeling?”

“They gave me pain pills.” Jared grinned up at Tom, as if that answered his question. Now that Jensen knew what to look for, he could see that Jared had put up his mask again. He rested a hand on Jared's shoulder and waited for the man to continue. “Jensen actually called for me. I… I need to move my things out of Marcus’s apartment, and seeing as I can't really lift much….” He trailed off, looking down at his hands, sounding nervous as if he expected them to walk away from him asking for help. “But it’s fine if you’re busy or whatever….”

“No, no hey we’ll help, no problem,” Mike jumped in, “but why are you moving out? Did something happen between you and Marcus?”

Jared puffed out a humourless laugh, “Yeah I guess you could say that. Can we… not get into it right now?”

“Jay,” Jensen's voice was gentle, but it was a clear reminder of their earlier conversation.

“I know, I - just later? Please?” He silently begged Jensen, his eyes wide and pleading.

Jensen sighed, giving in the plea, “Fine, later.”

When Jensen looked back at the couple in front of him, Mike looked confused while Tom wore a mixture of suspicion and concern. Thankfully the two men remained silent, seemingly content to know it would be explained to them eventually.

\- - - 

**(Jared’s POV)**

Jared stood at the door of the apartment he had lived in for the past five years of his life. His hands shook as the hollow click of the lock turning echoed down the empty hallway. This was the last time he would ever have to step into this hallway, ever have to feel the oppressive sense of fear and sadness that weighed down on him whenever he stepped inside it.

“Right,” Jensen turned to Mike and Tom who were both holding boxes they had acquired at a supermarket they had passed, “Tom, you’re on clothes duty, Mike, you pack up anything that looks like it may even be remotely Jared’s and I’ll do books and DVD’s.”

“How come Tom gets clothes duty?” Mike pouted.

“Because I honestly don’t trust you around Jared’s clothes.” Jensen shot back at him, his teasing smile just a little strained.

Mike didn’t even bother to deny it, just shrugged and moved on to search for Jared’s things. They worked quickly only speaking to ask Jared if an item was his, and if he wanted it taken with them. Jared tried to help, flitting between the three men but unable to do much because of his rib. In the end he just wandered from room to room scanning them for any items he felt were important enough to take with him. The muted colours of the room seemed so cold and distant, each room, each piece of stylish furniture bringing back memories with so much clarity Jared was forced to relive each punch, kick or violent outburst Marcus had ever had with painful accuracy.

The living room, where Marcus had been so angry with Jared for not calling ahead when he came home late from work, punishing him by forcing Jared to the floor and wrapping his hands around Jared’s throat, tightening his fingers until Jared’s vision had turned grey. When Jared’s struggles had finally weakened, Marcus had stood abruptly and walked away, leaving Jared lying on the floor gasping desperately for breath. The bedroom where Marcus had grabbed a handful of Jared’s hair and slammed his head into the door frame before delivering bruising kicks when Jared had stumbled and eventually fallen to the floor. That time he hadn’t made the bed properly.

The memories swam around in his head, all fighting each other to show him the pain they held first. When he reached the kitchen though, he stopped. The glass and blood that had most likely been on the floor after he had been taken to the hospital had been cleaned up, leaving no stain on the cream coloured tiles that hinted to what had happened here. Just like every other time, it had been hidden, pushed away never to be spoken of again. It was here that Jensen found him, standing in the middle of the kitchen staring at the floor, searching for any hint of discoloration, any sign that his pain wasn’t forgotten.

“This is where…” Jared didn’t need to finish his sentence; Jensen knew what he was saying. He looked up and met Jensen’s green gaze, “And you know why?” Anger rose steadily in him, the unfamiliar emotion filling him with fierce burning. It was anger at Marcus, anger at himself for letting it get this far, anger at the fucking floor for being so spotless, scrubbed clean of all actions that had taken place here. “Because I broke a fucking glass. I dropped a glass and so he decided to break my fucking rib!” As the anger inside him rose to a throbbing crescendo, Jared grabbed a glass that was sitting on the sink nearby and hurled it at the far wall, watching as it shattered and the pieces fell to the floor, glittering dully in the morning light. Cold panic gripped him as he realised what he had just done, “Oh god, what did I do? Fuck, he’s going to…”

“Jay, Jay, you need to calm down, just breathe, he’s not going to do anything, not anymore.” Jensen’s voice was deep and steady, piercing through the fog of panic to help Jared’s breathing slow down.

“What the fuck is going on?!” Mike voice sounded behind them, causing both men to turn around. From the stunned looks on their faces, Jared knew both Tom and Mike had witnessed his outburst. “Somebody explain what is going on right now. What were you not telling us at the hospital? Why did Jared just throw a glass at the wall? And while we’re at it, what the fuck happened to Jared’s rib?!”

“I don’t think this is really the right place for this…” Jensen started.

“No,” Jared interrupted, his voice shaking in with emotions that had been repressed for so very long, they swirled through him, so many that it was impossible to distinguish between them, “It started here, it should end here.” Mike and Tom deserved to know, he knew that, but that didn’t make it any easier to tell them, “It was Marcus.”


	9. Chapter 8

  
Author's notes: sorry for the wait for this chapter :) im trying to get back to my initial pace of a chapter a day but... well lets just say it may be more like a chapter every three days :P

Jared's POV  


* * *

  
  
“It was Marcus.” Shame swirled in his stomach, making Jared drop his gaze back to the unblemished tiles and away from his friends. Looking at the floor was safer than looking at the others, it was easier than watching their reactions as they realized just how pathetic he was, how weak. His bangs fell over his face, hopefully hiding the stark emotions he knew would be evident.  
  
“What was- Marcus broke your rib?!” Shock coloured Mike’s voice, which was far from the disgust that Jared had been expecting to hear. Risking a glance up, he saw shock and confusion clouding Mike’s face, while Tom stood silently next to him, his expression carefully neutral as he waited for more information to be volunteered. “Was – was it an accident or something?”  
  
Jared could say yes, he could so easily brush it off as a mistake, a one-time occurrence, and it would be over, finished. He was tempted, so incredibly tempted, but he couldn’t, it was the easy way out, the coward’s way out. He couldn’t brush this off anymore; he couldn’t just let it go. He’d come this far already and he couldn’t go back, no matter how tempted he was by an easy escape.  
  
“Jared?” Mike prompted. Jared knew he had paused too long, but it was so hard to say it out loud, to announce to the world what his life had become.  
  
“No, it wasn’t.” His voice was barely above a whisper but he knew everyone heard it.  
  
“That fucker!” Everyone looked at Tom, surprised by the quiet man’s uncharacteristic outburst.  
  
“My sentiments exactly.” Mike was fairly vibrating with anger towards Marcus, “What happened? Has he done this before?”  
  
The demanding questions and intense focus on him left Jared feeling like he was being pushed into a corner. He hated feeling this way, had felt this way far too much with Marcus, and in his experience it often resulted in pain. He knew none of his friends would ever hurt him but old habits were hard to break; he began to shut down, pull away from the questions.  
  
“Can we just get out of here?” Jared mumbled, burying his hands in his pockets. He felt stifled in this apartment; he needed to get away from the memories that filled it.  
  
“No.” Mike’s mouth formed a stubborn line, “We are not leaving until we talk about this.”  
  
“Mike…” Jensen started.  
  
“No, I agree with Mike.” Tom interrupted, “The longer we put this off the harder it’s going to get to talk about it.”  
  
Jared lowered himself into one of the kitchen stools, trying to avoid using his left side and hurting his ribs. He was starting to regret his decision to tell them in the apartment, it didn’t feel safe, and he desperately needed to feel safe right now. As if the man had read his thoughts, Jensen sat in the stool next to him and placed his hand on Jared’s arm, silently offering his support. Jared took a deep breath, trying to steady himself; he needed to be in control of himself for this, he’d already fallen apart once and he wouldn’t allow himself to do it again.  
  
“How long has this been going on?” Mike’s anger had lessened and been replaced with concern.  
  
“Five or so years I guess.” Jared looked down at the granite countertop Marcus had insisted on when they’d rented the apartment, studying the patterns in the stone.  
  
“Five years?!” Jared cringed at the surprised shout from Mike, the all too familiar shame and embarrassment coiled through him, “When I get my hands on that fucker…”  
  
“Mike, this is not the time for threats.” Tom tone was clipped and tight with suppressed anger.  
  
Mike shot a glare at Tom before turning back to Jared, “So all those times you said you walked into something or you fell over that was actually him?”

Jared nodded mutely. Nodding was easy, just a small movement of his head, much easier than telling them how many times he had made Marcus angry by not doing or saying the right thing, how many times Jared had cowered in fear holding back his sounds of pain because they only made him hit harder.  
  
“So what happened this time?” Jensen asked hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know, “He’s never gone this far before right? So what made this time different?”  
  
“Nothing really; he just kicked harder.” Jared tried to shrug it off, pretend he hadn’t obsessed over that question himself, hadn’t wondered what had prompted Marcus to go farther than he had before. Jared had made worse mistakes than breaking a glass before, and while Marcus had come close, he’d never crossed that line.  
  
“Just kicked harder? Just kicked harder?!” The matter of fact statement from Jared seemed to be too much for Mike’s tenuously held control, “How can you say it so calmly, so fucking blasé?! As if it’s just another day that your partner breaks your rib?!” His arms flailed about and he started pacing around the kitchen.  
  
“Mike!” Jensen exclaimed, shocked by Mike’s outburst, “Stop screaming at him like any of this is his fault.”  
  
“Shit, I’m sorry Jared,” Mike was instantly contrite, “I didn’t mean it like that.”  
  
“I know.” Jared gave Mike a weak smile. Mike may not see it as his fault but Jared did, if he hadn’t mad Marcus angry by fucking up all the time, if he had been a better boyfriend to Marcus, a better person, none of this would have happened. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried, he had tried so hard to be better, be the kind of person Marcus deserved, but the harder he had tried, the more he seemed to get wrong, until eventually, he had ended up here, sitting in a kitchen next to a box of his clothes and five years worth of memories he didn’t want.  
  
“We should get out of here.” Jensen said, pulling his hand away from Jared’s arm to pick up one of the boxes, “Have we got everything?”  
  
Jared nodded; he didn’t really have much around the apartment, all of his keepsakes and photos had been slowly hidden away and replaced with things Marcus deemed “more appropriate”. Mike didn’t look happy at his interrogation being interrupted but he didn’t say anything, just picked up a box and carried it out of the door and into one of the two cars waiting in the car park below.  
  
Jared pulled his keys out of his pocket and pulled off the one that he’d carried with him for five years. The small lump of metal was cold and hard in his hand, the silver coating glinting dully in the light filtering through the nearby window. This key was his last physical connection to the place he had called his home for the past five years, and to the man he’d loved for the last six. He placed the key quietly on the kitchen counter and turned his back on it, each long stride taking him further away. If only he could walk away from his memories so easily.  
  



End file.
